Sex, Intimacy, and Relationships In The Post "Coming Out" World?

Please Note: Excuse any offensive language, and again this is more of a pondering post as opposed to a  commentary on any lifestyle.

So it is pretty well  known that for a relationship to work you need to find a balance between Intimacy, Friendship, and Sex, in order for it to be successful. Now if someone has Intimacy and friendship but no sex? what is the relationship?   Pretty much just a Close Friend.  Now what happens if all you have is Sex without the friendship or intimacy? what do you have? Some would say "a fun time" or "the perfect life" or an "experience" etc. These all hold some truths, however as human beings we by nature need companionship. We need a partner to share our lives with, to hold us through the good times and bad, and for us to be there for them as well. Now this is just my opinion so of course i can be wrong, but it seems to me that when all you have is sex. i.e. a purely physical sexual encounter, what exactly is the end goal of that experience? Is it just to "get off" is it just to "sow your oats" (cue the 100s of other cheesy lines) what is the purpose? Now many of my friends give me different answers to this question, however again this is my opinion,  I feel that recreational sex does not really serve a purpose. The key is to find that balance to make the experience worth something. Now that doesn't mean everyone should be looking for long term relationships and marriage and nothing else, but when someone is having any type of sexual experience shouldn't there be more to it than just "hey your hot, lets f*ck"? shouldn't there at least be another aspect to the connection between the two people, just as any other relationship in life cannot simply be based off one thing. Even at work you cant work successfully with a coworker if all you have in common is that you both sit in a cubicle.

Now we live in a world where we have access to sex almost instantaneously but access to intimacy and friendship ironically has regressed. In the gay world (and this is referring to gay men only because i dont know if  LTQ works the same) we are even more sex oriented than other social denominations. We have more apps than anyone else for sex, we have more clubs and parties per capita than most, (specifically in the city culture) and there seems to be a genral oversexualization in the gay world. The reason for that may be anything from "two men = more tesosterone" to "out of closet im a free bird!", however what is the end goal? does the gay world have a true value system? theres are questions not accusations?

As someone who lives in NY and is exposed to one of the largest gay populations in the world, the more I see, the more I feel lost and unsure of what the future holds for a gay man in the 21st century.

Again the point of this post is to discuss, not to write off anyone's lives.

Are we our own worst Enemy?

No one can deny the overtly sexual nature of lgbt culture. The movement uses campaigns such as "no hate" and "come clean" with half naked pics, every gay event is advertised with shirtless six pack guys, pride parades filled with naked people marching, yet we proclaim all we want is to be able to love. When has sex and love become one and the same? Why is the gay culture so sexualized? Is it because we as a movement have not moved on from the culture of the 70s? How can we expect to be considered "just like everyone else" when we don't act like it? 

Then there is the issue of stigma between our community. The level of perfection that is expected within the gay community is that everyone look like a model. We also have a subculture of using porn stars as celebrities, not to mention the invention of the hookup app which is arguably destroying relationship ideals single handily. is this normal? Are we our own worst enemy? I write this as I sit in a gay club and look around and see the insecurity and feel the judgment in the air. How do we overcome this battle? Or is it not even a battle at all?

Thoughts?

Pardon spelling mistakes I typed this on an iPhone.

My Religious Dilemma

So it has been around four years since i came out and to say life has changed would be an understatement. I have had some amazing experiences and met some amazing people over the years specifically in regard to the LGBT community. I had the privilege to live in in Israel for 7 months and become a part of the LGBT community in Jerusalem (yes there is a thriving community there), start my own events group, visit the Knesset as a guest at the Pride committee, and work on various other projects. I have also taken on a project over the last few years which very dear to me; religious advocacy within the LGBT world. When i first came out I felt that there was not much of a voice for religious identified LGBT Jews in New York and wanted to try to change that. I tried with hosting a few discussion groups over the years some with larger success than others, I lent a listening ear to many religious gay Jews who just wanted to talk and have someone who understands them, among other projects.

The purpose of this post is not to toot my own horn, it is actually for a completely different reason. I have had a religious dilemma within my personal life essentially since i was a child. Growing up it did not really affect me because i was one of those "go with the flow" type of teenagers, and religion was just another aspect that was built into my life. It wasn't a negative or positive thing it just Was. Fast forward to 2015 after many years of soul searching and studying, i finally admitted to myself that i cannot call myself a "believer". I am by no means an atheist but rather a pragmatist. At his stage in my life i do not feel any religious spirituality, or meaning within religion, except for the cultural aspect. right now i am technically still a practicing Jew for the most part,(I keep kosher, Keep shabbat for the most part etc.) but I practice out of routine, habit, and to please my family, all illegitimate reasons according to the religion itself.

Now there is another dilemma that I have; my passion for religious advocacy within the LGBT world. I feel that it is VITAL that religious Jews who are gay have a voice and a place of comfort within the LGBT community and within the Religious community. I love working and advocating for religious gay jews any time I can, it is my passion and i feel a special kinship to people that commit to being religious and gay which can be quite challenging (although things are looking up). However the dilemma that i have is as someone who if I am honest with myself has to admit that i am essentially a non-believer, is it right for me to be an advocate for religious jews? Yes I understand the mindset of Chasidic, Yeshivish, Modern Orthodox Jews because i was part of all three denominations at various points in my life, and yes I still have the "Feel" of orthodox jewry and still fell the most at home among religious Jews, but can someone honestly be a spokesperson for something that they dont really believe in? that is one large question I have for myself.

Another side point is that my religious dilemma actually has very little to do with my being gay. I don't feel that being religious and gay is an oxymoron, and I have not been "influenced" by any social groups to become non-religious. In fact i have no desire to be non religious per-se, I just don't have the belief to back up my religious identity.

I will keep fighting for religious inclusion within the LGBT community, and try to help as many religious people as possible deal with any struggles they have in regard to religion despit all of the above. However this blog is called "Musings" and i have "Mused" my dilemma out of a need to share. Feel free to comment on this post.

Until Next Time..

If You want To be Religious and Gay Move to Israel

So, I haven't written in a while here, looking back on my old posts is kind of cringe-worthy yet satisfying to see how far I have come as a person.

Anyway so I have spent the last 7 months in Jerusalem Israel, working within the LGBT community, and taking part in many different functions within it. Having grown up in NY, arguably the largest Jewish community outside of Israel, and having seen almost no real religious gay Jewish community in existence, and this is not to knock the wonderful gay Jewish community that does  exist in NY but  is not essentially religious, I have come to realize that if someone wants to remain full fledged orthodox (and that has many levels, but im referring  to a practicing Jew) the only real place to live as a COMMUNITY is in Israel, and even more so in Jerusalem.

Now some may argue that there are religious gay Jews in NY and there are, but there isn't and established religious gay community in NY. In Israel there are a few options for people who want a specific gay and religious community, first off there is "Havruta" and amazing group of self identifying gay religious Jews, who have shiurim, shabbatons, chagim together on a regular basis, and the group runs full fledged within the religious framework, but at the same time are out and proud. There is also HOD which is a little more conservative, but also a wonderful community. There are a few more communities in Israel, (kehilat dati Gaah)that are religious and gay, as well as for Lesbians (See Bat Kol).

I love NY and my hometown, and my amazing friends in NY, and I have so much gratitude to the Jewish LGBT organizations in NY who helped me so much over the years, but I have come to the conclusion that as of 2013, if I want to remain an orthodox Jew and live within a community where I feel comfortable with both of my identities, it has to be in Israel.

Now I do feel that if someone were to create and orthodox based community outside of Israel it should be in NY. There are some things in the works for example the "Pride Minyan NYC", but there has to be more of a demand for an orthodox gay community in NY, and i honestly do not know if there is...

Is It Possible To Remain Orthodox as a Gay Man or Woman?

So for my entire life i have been living within the orthodox community. Over the years i have been a part of several different faction within orthodox society, chasidish, litvish, modern orthodox etc. The one thing they all seem to have in common is that there is no room for gay people within them. Now this may seem harsh and biased, but in all honesty if someone can show me a specific community where they have no problem with me being gay, i would love to see it.

Now the way i see orthodoxy is that is simply a social setting which practices traditional Judaism. I think the fact that people automatically associate "orthodoxy" with anybody that practices traditional Judaism is wrong. First off you have many people who identify themselves as orthodox, and barely keep to anything within Judaism. So i dont think being orthodox means you are completely religious or vice versa.

Now the social community that identifies themselves as orthodox does not accept or recognize homosexuality. Yes some leaders within the communities have expressed some sympathy for people "struggling" with homosexuality, but the general consensus is "you are not wanted, there is something wrong with you, stay away from me".

Some people defend the orthodox community and say that they are accepting and sympathetic as a whole (up to a point). So for arguments sake lets say the community is accepting, there is another big problem, where does someone who is gay fit into the social chain within the community? The entire system is set up from the day we are born to the day we die, to follow a path that surrounds a man marrying a woman, and until you do so, you are not a success, nor are you respected as an adult. So where does this leave anyone that is gay and wants to remain within the orthodox framework? At best he can be pitied, and sympathized with, and he will forever be the guy who gets "galilah" in shul...

A depressing thought, but sadly true...

2 Weeks into Gay marriage in NY, Anyones life end yet?

anyone?

You Will Turn My Kids Gay!

There is this ridiculous myth, especially in the orthodox community, that it is possible for an individual to turn another individual from straight to gay. One of the big arguments of the community for not speaking about the topic of homosexuality, is the fear that it will influence some innocent kids to become gay,

And that is exactly why we need to have more dialogue about homosexuality, to dispel such ridiculous myths, maybe if some frum people knew im not a threat, to their kids (lol), they would have some more empathy....

besides if the myth were true, then shouldn't i be straight, due to the "influence" straight people have had on me  while being raised.?

sometimes the logic of people boggles my mind lol.