Post Yom Kippur Musings

So it is already halfway through September, which means I've been pondering for a while already. I just want to air out a few observations from over the past year etc. :)

Religious Observance and Being LGBTQ

So for the last few years i have been struggling with my religious beliefs which ironically has very little to do with me being gay. However I always get the feeling that whenever someone from the LGBT Jewish religious community hears about my religious observance, they automatically assume "I'm another one lost" and that my religious observance is completely due to the fact that I'm gay. This is very insulting actually because it belittles me down to basically making life decisions due to social pressures. Plus I do still care immensely about the religious LGBT community and the importance for advocating for them at all times, against a usually hostile environment from both sides.

The Myth of an LGBTQ Jewsih Community in New York

This may sound harsh but it is my personal feelings. Having come out a few years ago and benefited greatly from organizations such as JQY, Eshel, and Or Chayim to name a few, I still feel that there isn't really an inclusive Jewish LGBTQ community in New York. I have always felt somehow sidelined and non inclusive within certain parts of the community. Maybe it was due to me being religious, or maybe it was simply due to my own insecurities, whatever the case is there should be a stronger effort to build an Inclusive community for all LGBTQ Jews no matter the level of observance, age, or any other small issues. We need each other for support and we must ensure everyone feels welcome. This is something that I have not seen yet over the years, and have spoken to others that feel very alienated from the Jewish LGBTQ groups for a variety of reasons. If leaders of the organizations really want to change things they should have a panel between themselves how to ensure this happens, because right now it is not happening.

There is also the problem of people that have overcome certain struggles and have moved on from the Jewish LGBT circles, that do not stay around to offer support for the newer people coming out etc. I understand not everyone can be busy mentoring people and the like, but showing up to a meeting and saying hi to some new members and showing them just by being there what success can look like is vital.

Finding personal Purpose and Meaning again in life after Coming Out

Something that I personally find very tough, and I have spoken to others that feel similarly is the feeling of meaning and purpose is hard to find when one becomes a part of the LGBT community. Growing up in the orthodox Jewish community, my life was instilled with purpose and meaning since i was a child. Whether that meaning was legitimate is debatable but the fact is it created within me the idea and focus that life is about more than just myself. What i have found in the LGBT world seems to be the opposite. I feel like i have gone from looking for a life with purpose and depth, and ended up in a world that is all about sex, pop culture, bars, and partying. Of course this is just my perception but i don't think anyone can deny that the New York LGBT scene specifically is quite "shallow" for lack of a better word. This is very disheartening, and alienating especially for people who are used to having the things they do in life seem to have a larger purpose. What i am trying to say is for some coming out of the Religious world and into the gay world can actually have a highly negative effect on people and make them feel completely lost. 

Cliques, Drama, and Speaking behind peoples backs

These are things that I admit i am guilty of as well. There are many cliques within the Jewish gay community, this makes other people feel left out and awkward especially at social events. Then there is the drama and backstabbing. We are marginalized already as it is, why do we create even more issues and negativity between ourselves? Is it just human nature, or is it something else? whatever the case is much work is needed on this subject.

Leadership Variety and Transparency

We as a community are very lucky to have leaders like we do. We have some amazing leadership within the various groups and it is not to be taken lightly. Being a leader is not easy and kudos to all those who are always there to help people that need it. However there is a need for leadership that goes beyond just being gay. We need leaders from different backgrounds, religious observance, and previous Jewish communities. We need variety. We need people to feel that they have a voice speaking for them within leadership positions. The Jewish LGBT community is a very eclectic mix of people from all different walks of life, and right now the leadership is very specific. Work needs to be done about this because leadership is what keeps communities intact.

The Future 

The truth is the future of the Jewish LGBT community is very bright. We as a community have achieved so much in the last 10 years. Support groups, Minyanim, Social events, and so much more. Friendships have been created that would never have happened otherwise if not for these grassroots groups. People would not be able to find support and a place to go when struggling if not for these organizations. However the key in success is to not stagnate. Stagnation can be worse than backtracking sometimes, we must be aware of that. 

Personally

For me the New York LGBT community probably saved my life. I made friends for life, was given life changing opportunities, and was even able to help other people as well. For that I will always be thankful. However its time for me to move on. And without this community I would not have been able to move on to bigger and better things to come. So while I may seem critical above,I am not unaware of how much this community has helped me, and for that I owe many people a lot.

The Equality Myth?

Friday June 26, 2015 will forever be cemented in History as the day the US Supreme court Recognized Same sex Marriage. Obviously this is a massive won for equality and for people of the same sex who want to get married, and under secular law should have the right to do so, but was this really as big of a win for LGBTQ people as it seems?

Having grown up in a society in which the notion of being Gay was not even discussed let alone looked upon as shame, the marriage equality victory rings hollow. I look around me at many friends, and people i have come in contact with over the years and what I see is pain, suffering, and the remnants of years of psychological trauma, and I cant help wondering how this ruling really helps us? I say us because i include myself one of the people I just mentioned.

Some people say Marriage equality will lead to an overall acceptance and bettering of LGBT people and society, a logic which has yet to be proven. I think of the millions and millions of dollars spent toward, Marriage equality fight and then I look at people I know, who suffer from addiction, self harm, depression, and live in a bubble of pain, and I cant help feeling that we have been thrown to the wayside by the obsession of certain lobbies with what they perceive as the ultimate form of equality. But why do I know someone who has committed suicide because he was gay at the age of 16? why do I know people who have been abused, and scammed by the reparitive therapy sham, why do I know people who have addiction to heavy drugs? shouldn't all this work come before Marriage Equality? Shouldn't the hard earned money of donors go toward ensuring not a single LGBT Youth is not sleeping on the street, or selling him or herself for sex just to survive? The issues mentioned to do not even touch on the massive Transgender discrimination across every single level of society. Don't get me wrong many amazing organizations exist out there that do fight for justice, change, and support, of LGBT people from all walks of life, but the amount of marriage equality activists and non profits seems to loom over all the other advocacy groups combined. Now that the issue of Marriage equality is essentially over, what will become of these massive non profit organizations
now that their mission has been accomplished? Will they turn toward the inner working of the LGBT population and help them? Or will they find the thought of giving up the large Gala dinners and mingling with Hollywood celebrities too tempting to let go of? Unfortunately it seems that instead of focusing on the painful and less glorified issues, they are now turning toward other countries such as Australia to fight for marriage equality there. Memes are going up everywhere saying the march for equality must move toward the international stage and so on.

 But what will happen to the people? The people who are suffering, the people who are wasting away, the people that don't even have the freedom to realize that the are gay? are they just irritable flies buzzing around the "Fight for Equality" lobby and tarnishing the fictional image of an almost perfect LGBT society? Or will The money trail finally make its way toward the fight for true Equality and dignity for LGBT people?

Its wonderful to see so many facebook posts and profile pictures covered in the rainbow flag, and seeing so many people expressing joy and hope. The LGBT community right now feels empowered and rightfully so. Marriage Equality is a huge win. But a part of me cant help wondering about the 16 year old boy who lived a few houses away from me, who committed suicide before I even came out, and maybe possibly could have talked to him and we could have helped each other through the worst times. His story haunts me, and I cant help wondering why isn't he here to celebrate? why isn't he here to change his profile picture to the rainbow flag?

An Essay I Wrote on Gay Marriage back in 2012

I came across this essay I wrote back in 2012. I was for the most part still closeted at the time and yet I decided to pick this topic to write the paper on. Its strange reading it almost four years later.

Gay Marriage: For or Against

The debate on whether to legalize same-sex marriage is one of the most controversial and most talk about issues in the United States right now. Both sides are very passionate about their stance on whether to legalize it or not. As of now the federal government does not recognize same-sex marriage; however there are six states that have legalized it. There a few other states that has “civil Unions”, which give some of the marriage benefits to same-sex couples. This issue is one of the most heated topics in US society and politics and does not seem likely to cool down anytime soon.

The Opposing Side

There are two types of arguments opposing Gay marriage. First there is the religious aspect which claims that in all major religions marriage has always been between a man and a woman. This argument has been debated heavily since people argue that we do not base laws on religious values. There is another argument that is given for opposing gay marriage, the argument that marriage is a cultural issue, and that it has always been culturally between a man and a woman and established for the purpose of procreation, and is the basis of society’s moral code. If we allow same sex marriage, we are changing society’s basis of a procreative relationship, and it would affect the cultural function and meaning of marriage (Somerville, 2003). The argument is that gay marriage is not a civil rights issue, like interracial marriage, and that the government restricts marriage for reasons other than just same sex, such as cousins cannot marry in some states, and people with certain diseases cannot marry, or more than two people cannot form a legal marriage. There are guidelines to what marriage should include, that do not restrict marriage solely on the basis of gender, and these are to the benefit of society. If we determine marriage solely on the basis of love between two people it can lead to including the marriage of two sterile siblings who love each other or multiple partners getting married. The bottom line is that marriage was established for procreation and if we use the basis of love, marriage loses its logical basis. Furthermore the argument that a gay couple cannot have legal rights as a committed couple is unfounded, for example hospital and visitation rights can be granted by writing a will. The only restrictions gay couples have are those costly to the state, and since there is no real benefit to the government through gay marriage, there is no reason to grant them the right (Kolasinski, 2004).

More reasons for opposition.

Children are raised best by Heterosexual couples; therefore legalizing same sex marriage is to the detriment of children.

Polygamy will be next to be legalized.

Churches will be forced to accept gay marriage.

Public schools will teach children about homosexuality.

(nationofmarriage.org, Marriage matters).

Gay marriage will lead to “Group Marriage” (Kurtz,2003)

The Defending Side

The argument for Gay marriage is firstly a constitutional one. According to the 14th amendment everyone has a right to marry, and if we restrict same-sex marriages we are denying people with same-sex orientation the right to marriage, and a family. They argue that Gay marriage does not erode society values, but in fact strengthens them. Marriage integrity is not based solely on procreation; in fact a successful marriage is more about love respect and commitment than solely about procreating. Same-sex couples have been found to have just as strong relationships as straight couples, so the more relationships that show long term commitment and love, can only serve to strengthen society’s view of marriage (Latham, 2011).

More reasons in support of Gay marriage.

Same sex marriage ban is similar to the original interracial marriage ban, and it is a civil right being taken away from same-sex couples (Mathabane, 2004).

It’s simply a civil right that a minority group should have and does not. (Espuelas, 2008).

After doing extensive research on whether same-sex marriage is harmful to society etc., the leading associations of psychological, psychiatric, medical, and social work professionals have concluded that those fears are completely unfounded and in fact any successful relationship is helpful to society, whether it is a same sex one or not (Commonwealth of Massachusetts v. US dept. of Health and Human Services, 2011).

The 14^th Amendment and the Equal Protection Clause

One of the biggest arguments for same- sex marriage is the Equal Protection clause established in the 14^th amendment,

.All persons born or naturalized in the United States, and subject to the jurisdiction thereof, are citizens of the United States and of the State wherein they reside. No State shall make or enforce any law which shall abridge the privileges or immunities of citizens of the United States; nor shall any State deprive any person of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor deny to any person within its jurisdiction the equal protection of the laws (US Constitution).

Advocates for same sex marriage claim that by not having the right to marry this clause is being violated.

Public Support

As of 2011 the US public is split evenly down the middle on the issue, with some polls suggesting majority are for same-sex marriage, which is a huge change from 1996 when only 25% supported it (Silver 2011).

My Opinion

I am for same-sex marriage. I do not see how it can be detrimental society or religion whatsoever. First off this only applies to a very small minority of people in the US, if you are straight there is no way this will affect your life in the slightest. In fact I don’t think it should be an issue that heterosexuals should vote on since it does not apply to them in any way at all. Obviously the law works differently so we can’t have voting based on sexual orientation. The religious issue should not even be mentioned in terms of gay marriage. If your religion does not allow same-sex marriage that’s fine. No one is trying to change religions. This is purely a cultural and legal issue, besides we are not supposed to establish laws based on religion. As for the whole so called “marriage” term having to do with procreation, I believe that is complete garbage. Marriage itself is a religious creation, however today many secular people get married and there is no requirement to be religious, proving that marriage has evolved into a legal standing and nothing more. If someone is religious they have a separate ceremony connected to the religion anyway.

What I see is two types of people who oppose same-sex marriage, religious people, and homophobic people. I do not think they are necessarily one and the same. Religious people are worried that same-sex marriage will somehow go against their religion; I feel they are wrong but that is what drives them. But then there are the people who claim it has nothing to do with religion, and it will ruin society, or they just feel it’s weird, or whatever other excuse they give. Those people are plain and simple homophobic, meaning they have an unfounded fear of homosexuals. There is simply no other explanation.

I do feel that homosexuality is portrayed in a bad light due to the media, who portray gay people as overly flamboyant cross dressing feminine men. That fuels the homophobia, not that this is an excuse. It still does not mean that gay people should not have rights that the constitution promises them.

In conclusion, the issue of same-sex marriage does not seem to be going away anytime soon, and the debate will rage on. It is sad however that in a country that proudly proclaims it is the land of the free, there are still people that do not have the same rights as other people, and are still persecuted and shunned by society. Obviously society’s view on homosexuality has changed for the better; however there is still a long ways to go.

The "Achrei Mot/Kedoshim" Conundrum

Note: Before I write this I just want people to know this is just an opinion, and I personally like to be matter of fact. If I offend anyone I honestly do not mean to.

This past week was the Parsha that is the only mention of anything related to Homosexual activity in the written part of the Torah. Many religious Gay people always feel bad this week in shul and have a hard time with this portion of Kriat Hatorah. I feel there are a few things about this entire issue that needs to be said.

The Gay Persons Aspect: (Note the Biblical prohibition is exclusively for men)

First off one has to understand that this weeks parsha does not make the issur any stronger because it is mentioned. It just happens to be the week it is mentioned. Of course I understand hearing it out loud in shul can be hurtful, but remember the week of Achrei Mot/Kedoshim is just like any other week in a Gay mans life. The issur is a constant. My point is that a person needs to work on coming to terms with the issur on his level, and if he does than he should be able to sit through this torah reading content with his lot in life. Of course this is way easier said than done, but that should be the aim.
Do people think that perhaps the reason it hurts more on this specific week because its blatant and it brings up underlying guilt that is there all year round?
*This is a Question not a judgment*

The "Straight Community" Aspect:

There seems to be a train of thought within many circles in the orthodox world that during this weeks parsha it is a responsibility for them to get up and speak out against the current LGBTQ political climate. This is ridiculous in my opinion. When we read the portion of "Avoda Zara" do we have congregants giving speeches against Jesus? When we read the portion against "Adultery" Do we speak out against secular societies view on relationships? Of course not. Why is that, it is because there does not seem to be a threat to the orthodox community due to these modern societal values. When it comes to the "Gay Issue" the orthodox world is at a loss and feels threatened by it. Now that does not excuse the pulpit thumping against LGBT relationships and Marriage in shul. There is no place in a shul to have a political opinion on secular society based on your religious doctrine, especially when A: it does not apply to the majority of the congregation B: it can be hurtful to the select few Gay people in your congregation. In fact it may even fall into one of the worst Aveirot categories: Shvichat Damim (Metaphorical spilling of anothers blood) one of the only UNFORGIVABLE sins in Judaism. Tread carefully Rabbis when dealing with this, You may be sinning in one of the worst ways without even realizing it.

Optimism For Gay Men in regards to religion:

There are various theories within the confines of orthodox Judaism trying to explain this one single Issur of acting on gay desires within halacha. Many theories have been discussed about what the pasuk really means. I personally read and recommend rabbi Chaim Rappaports book "Judaism and Homosexuality: An Authentic Orthodox View" for all LGBTQ people to read. It is the most comprehensive study of homosexuality within orthodoxy ever compiled, and discusses almost every aspect and theory on the subject. However this is not an easy book to read, due to its matter-of-fact halacha only take. I also highly recommend suggesting this book to any straight person or rabbi that actually wants to know more on the halachic issues within homosexuality.

At the end of the day Being Gay and Orthodox is not and will never be easy. But it can be easier. Hopefully every person that feels especially down on this specific week can see the bigger picture, and eventually be able to walk into shul on parshat Achrei Mot/Kedoshim and still feel proud that he is walking in his truth.

Sex, Intimacy, and Relationships In The Post "Coming Out" World?

Please Note: Excuse any offensive language, and again this is more of a pondering post as opposed to a  commentary on any lifestyle.

So it is pretty well  known that for a relationship to work you need to find a balance between Intimacy, Friendship, and Sex, in order for it to be successful. Now if someone has Intimacy and friendship but no sex? what is the relationship?   Pretty much just a Close Friend.  Now what happens if all you have is Sex without the friendship or intimacy? what do you have? Some would say "a fun time" or "the perfect life" or an "experience" etc. These all hold some truths, however as human beings we by nature need companionship. We need a partner to share our lives with, to hold us through the good times and bad, and for us to be there for them as well. Now this is just my opinion so of course i can be wrong, but it seems to me that when all you have is sex. i.e. a purely physical sexual encounter, what exactly is the end goal of that experience? Is it just to "get off" is it just to "sow your oats" (cue the 100s of other cheesy lines) what is the purpose? Now many of my friends give me different answers to this question, however again this is my opinion,  I feel that recreational sex does not really serve a purpose. The key is to find that balance to make the experience worth something. Now that doesn't mean everyone should be looking for long term relationships and marriage and nothing else, but when someone is having any type of sexual experience shouldn't there be more to it than just "hey your hot, lets f*ck"? shouldn't there at least be another aspect to the connection between the two people, just as any other relationship in life cannot simply be based off one thing. Even at work you cant work successfully with a coworker if all you have in common is that you both sit in a cubicle.

Now we live in a world where we have access to sex almost instantaneously but access to intimacy and friendship ironically has regressed. In the gay world (and this is referring to gay men only because i dont know if  LTQ works the same) we are even more sex oriented than other social denominations. We have more apps than anyone else for sex, we have more clubs and parties per capita than most, (specifically in the city culture) and there seems to be a genral oversexualization in the gay world. The reason for that may be anything from "two men = more tesosterone" to "out of closet im a free bird!", however what is the end goal? does the gay world have a true value system? theres are questions not accusations?

As someone who lives in NY and is exposed to one of the largest gay populations in the world, the more I see, the more I feel lost and unsure of what the future holds for a gay man in the 21st century.

Again the point of this post is to discuss, not to write off anyone's lives.

Are we our own worst Enemy?

No one can deny the overtly sexual nature of lgbt culture. The movement uses campaigns such as "no hate" and "come clean" with half naked pics, every gay event is advertised with shirtless six pack guys, pride parades filled with naked people marching, yet we proclaim all we want is to be able to love. When has sex and love become one and the same? Why is the gay culture so sexualized? Is it because we as a movement have not moved on from the culture of the 70s? How can we expect to be considered "just like everyone else" when we don't act like it? 

Then there is the issue of stigma between our community. The level of perfection that is expected within the gay community is that everyone look like a model. We also have a subculture of using porn stars as celebrities, not to mention the invention of the hookup app which is arguably destroying relationship ideals single handily. is this normal? Are we our own worst enemy? I write this as I sit in a gay club and look around and see the insecurity and feel the judgment in the air. How do we overcome this battle? Or is it not even a battle at all?

Thoughts?

Pardon spelling mistakes I typed this on an iPhone.

My Religious Dilemma

So it has been around four years since i came out and to say life has changed would be an understatement. I have had some amazing experiences and met some amazing people over the years specifically in regard to the LGBT community. I had the privilege to live in in Israel for 7 months and become a part of the LGBT community in Jerusalem (yes there is a thriving community there), start my own events group, visit the Knesset as a guest at the Pride committee, and work on various other projects. I have also taken on a project over the last few years which very dear to me; religious advocacy within the LGBT world. When i first came out I felt that there was not much of a voice for religious identified LGBT Jews in New York and wanted to try to change that. I tried with hosting a few discussion groups over the years some with larger success than others, I lent a listening ear to many religious gay Jews who just wanted to talk and have someone who understands them, among other projects.

The purpose of this post is not to toot my own horn, it is actually for a completely different reason. I have had a religious dilemma within my personal life essentially since i was a child. Growing up it did not really affect me because i was one of those "go with the flow" type of teenagers, and religion was just another aspect that was built into my life. It wasn't a negative or positive thing it just Was. Fast forward to 2015 after many years of soul searching and studying, i finally admitted to myself that i cannot call myself a "believer". I am by no means an atheist but rather a pragmatist. At his stage in my life i do not feel any religious spirituality, or meaning within religion, except for the cultural aspect. right now i am technically still a practicing Jew for the most part,(I keep kosher, Keep shabbat for the most part etc.) but I practice out of routine, habit, and to please my family, all illegitimate reasons according to the religion itself.

Now there is another dilemma that I have; my passion for religious advocacy within the LGBT world. I feel that it is VITAL that religious Jews who are gay have a voice and a place of comfort within the LGBT community and within the Religious community. I love working and advocating for religious gay jews any time I can, it is my passion and i feel a special kinship to people that commit to being religious and gay which can be quite challenging (although things are looking up). However the dilemma that i have is as someone who if I am honest with myself has to admit that i am essentially a non-believer, is it right for me to be an advocate for religious jews? Yes I understand the mindset of Chasidic, Yeshivish, Modern Orthodox Jews because i was part of all three denominations at various points in my life, and yes I still have the "Feel" of orthodox jewry and still fell the most at home among religious Jews, but can someone honestly be a spokesperson for something that they dont really believe in? that is one large question I have for myself.

Another side point is that my religious dilemma actually has very little to do with my being gay. I don't feel that being religious and gay is an oxymoron, and I have not been "influenced" by any social groups to become non-religious. In fact i have no desire to be non religious per-se, I just don't have the belief to back up my religious identity.

I will keep fighting for religious inclusion within the LGBT community, and try to help as many religious people as possible deal with any struggles they have in regard to religion despit all of the above. However this blog is called "Musings" and i have "Mused" my dilemma out of a need to share. Feel free to comment on this post.

Until Next Time..