So it has been around four years since i came out and to say life has changed would be an understatement. I have had some amazing experiences and met some amazing people over the years specifically in regard to the LGBT community. I had the privilege to live in in Israel for 7 months and become a part of the LGBT community in Jerusalem (yes there is a thriving community there), start my own events group, visit the Knesset as a guest at the Pride committee, and work on various other projects. I have also taken on a project over the last few years which very dear to me; religious advocacy within the LGBT world. When i first came out I felt that there was not much of a voice for religious identified LGBT Jews in New York and wanted to try to change that. I tried with hosting a few discussion groups over the years some with larger success than others, I lent a listening ear to many religious gay Jews who just wanted to talk and have someone who understands them, among other projects.
The purpose of this post is not to toot my own horn, it is actually for a completely different reason. I have had a religious dilemma within my personal life essentially since i was a child. Growing up it did not really affect me because i was one of those "go with the flow" type of teenagers, and religion was just another aspect that was built into my life. It wasn't a negative or positive thing it just Was. Fast forward to 2015 after many years of soul searching and studying, i finally admitted to myself that i cannot call myself a "believer". I am by no means an atheist but rather a pragmatist. At his stage in my life i do not feel any religious spirituality, or meaning within religion, except for the cultural aspect. right now i am technically still a practicing Jew for the most part,(I keep kosher, Keep shabbat for the most part etc.) but I practice out of routine, habit, and to please my family, all illegitimate reasons according to the religion itself.
Now there is another dilemma that I have; my passion for religious advocacy within the LGBT world. I feel that it is VITAL that religious Jews who are gay have a voice and a place of comfort within the LGBT community and within the Religious community. I love working and advocating for religious gay jews any time I can, it is my passion and i feel a special kinship to people that commit to being religious and gay which can be quite challenging (although things are looking up). However the dilemma that i have is as someone who if I am honest with myself has to admit that i am essentially a non-believer, is it right for me to be an advocate for religious jews? Yes I understand the mindset of Chasidic, Yeshivish, Modern Orthodox Jews because i was part of all three denominations at various points in my life, and yes I still have the "Feel" of orthodox jewry and still fell the most at home among religious Jews, but can someone honestly be a spokesperson for something that they dont really believe in? that is one large question I have for myself.
Another side point is that my religious dilemma actually has very little to do with my being gay. I don't feel that being religious and gay is an oxymoron, and I have not been "influenced" by any social groups to become non-religious. In fact i have no desire to be non religious per-se, I just don't have the belief to back up my religious identity.
I will keep fighting for religious inclusion within the LGBT community, and try to help as many religious people as possible deal with any struggles they have in regard to religion despit all of the above. However this blog is called "Musings" and i have "Mused" my dilemma out of a need to share. Feel free to comment on this post.
Until Next Time..
