So for my entire life i have been living within the orthodox community. Over the years i have been a part of several different faction within orthodox society, chasidish, litvish, modern orthodox etc. The one thing they all seem to have in common is that there is no room for gay people within them. Now this may seem harsh and biased, but in all honesty if someone can show me a specific community where they have no problem with me being gay, i would love to see it.
Now the way i see orthodoxy is that is simply a social setting which practices traditional Judaism. I think the fact that people automatically associate "orthodoxy" with anybody that practices traditional Judaism is wrong. First off you have many people who identify themselves as orthodox, and barely keep to anything within Judaism. So i dont think being orthodox means you are completely religious or vice versa.
Now the social community that identifies themselves as orthodox does not accept or recognize homosexuality. Yes some leaders within the communities have expressed some sympathy for people "struggling" with homosexuality, but the general consensus is "you are not wanted, there is something wrong with you, stay away from me".
Some people defend the orthodox community and say that they are accepting and sympathetic as a whole (up to a point). So for arguments sake lets say the community is accepting, there is another big problem, where does someone who is gay fit into the social chain within the community? The entire system is set up from the day we are born to the day we die, to follow a path that surrounds a man marrying a woman, and until you do so, you are not a success, nor are you respected as an adult. So where does this leave anyone that is gay and wants to remain within the orthodox framework? At best he can be pitied, and sympathized with, and he will forever be the guy who gets "galilah" in shul...
A depressing thought, but sadly true...
Why glialah? I'm not aware of any tradition of not giving gays alias...
ReplyDeletesingle people get glilah as a rule
ReplyDeleteWhile many communities may reserve gelilah for unmarried men, I would not consider it a rule. That practice is far from universal.
ReplyDeleteAs you noted, Orthodoxy is hardly amenable to one definition because in its current form it is not one uniform practice. As a result of this, I don't think there is one answer to your problem. I think the absolute best way of facing the challenge is to start with your generation and force a change towards recognition of yourself (and future partner) as a complete individual. As you and your friends age and take the leadership role in a given community you can necesarily open that community to your perceptions. So, where do you fit? As a community member, not destined for gelilah, but given the kavod of an aliyah and recognized for whatever contributions and good will you make towards the community. If you define yourself solely by your sexuality and if you continue to render yourself and your relationships less valuable than those around you, your status will be lower on the social totem pole. If you present yourself as a complete, multi-faceted person and don't allow others to diminish your status, you will be treated and respected as a contributing adult member of the Kehilah.
modern orthodox, i know, try to balance secular "real world" with torah observant life.
ReplyDeleteTruth be told the majority of people in my shul are pretty accepting of gays, as they are generally well-educated and mindful of real-life issues
If you havent found a happy place in a haredi community you could try modern orthdox shuls. The framework is torah observance, and there might even be some haredi-leaning people sprinkled in, so hopefully you can find a bit of comfort there and make friends?
Just stumbled across your blog. I'm one of those "frummy" haredi ultra-orthodox black-hatter types (or whatever label you want to put on me). Yeah, the whole shebang: yeshiva, kollel, now kids in kollel, big family, you get the picture.
ReplyDelete1. Come to daven at my shule and I'll buy you maftir or whatever aliya you want.
2. Come to my home as a guest for shabbos or yomtov or any other time, from coffee to a seven-course meal. Bring whoever you want.
3. We don't judge.
4. We won't try to offer you a shidduch.
5. We won't make any comment about you whatsoever behind your back.
6. If any junior member of our family (who may as yet be unaware of our family's rules)should venture a comment, we will explain why it's inappropriate. And that goes for comments about your hairstyle, choice of clothing, sexual orientation, intelligence or lack thereof, or anything else.
7. Not every frum person is bigoted.
8. Many [most?] of those who are bigoted have "issues".
All the best!