A little Bit About Myself

Hey everyone,

ive decided to start a blog, to post my various thoughts and feelings on being frum and gay. I want to focus the blog more on the community and social aspect, vs the halachic aspect, because i feel there really is no point in debating the halacha in question, it will not get us anywhere. My grammar isn't perfect so bear with me,

I am the average frum guy, i grew up in brooklyn new york, in a very frum and heimish family. I did not realize that i was gay, until i was in my late teens, although i knew i was attracted to men, since i was eleven years old. I just never really knew what it meant to be gay, i always thought it was normal to like men, and that i would eventually like women as well. That never happened. throughout high school, i suffered from social anxiety, even though i had plenty of friends, and now that i look back, the fact that i was gay played a huge role in that. After i finished school, i went into a period of deep social anxiety, and have just started to emerge from it now, it is a very slow and tough process, and it still seems almost hopeless at times, but i have no choice but to move on with life.

In regard to the frum community, i have a very deep resentment toward the community as a whole, which i realize is not healthy, nor will it get me anywhere, but the fact is its there. And it eats away at me all the time, why are we a small minority (or maybe not so small) so shunned, and avoided, by the community? why is it that this issue is never written about in frum publications, why are there no organizations to help us deal with this issue, when there are so many institutions for all the other problems, that people go through. For some reason this issue is ignored so much, that many people do not even realize there is an issue! The truth is i kind of understand why this is different than the other community problems, but it does not make me resent, or mistrust the community, any less.

I am not out to anyone, besides for a therapist who i speak to, who is actually very sympathetic, and we discuss the issue, and the community problems involved constantly. My family does not know, and it is getting to the point where they will have to find out, but i do not want to tell them, it will break my parents hearts.

As of now, i am a closeted frum gay man, disillusioned with religion, and especially the community, i live in,  where i go from here, i do not know, but one has to keep on living no matter what....